Extreme Expecting

Written By
Maria Grey Kolpek

I call it 'extreme expecting' because it requires patience and trust, in their most extreme form. As a parent, I had NO control. Nothing was up to me anymore, yet this adoption of my little boy was a choice I had made and it was the most incredible the most important thing my husband and I would ever do. At the beginning of the process I thought, 'I can do this'. My husband and I had spent years dealing with infertility and the patience we needed for that was huge. Waiting every month, dealing with drugs and hormones, no guarantees at the end. So I thought as hard as waiting for the adoption would be, I could handle it. I've already learned how to be a patient person. But I was fooling myself, what I was about to experience was the hardest wait I've ever endured.

When we started the process it wasn't so bad, we didn't have the referral, no picture staring back at us, we were working on the paperwork. That meant I had something to do. There were tasks to do every day practically. A phone call, a fax, go to the doctor, get a background check, you know the normal things you do when you're trying to have a kid. It was about that time that I started formulating my 'philosophy' about international adoption and the basic rules that I would need to live by; these philosophies would play a critical role in the process to which we were about to embark. Here they are:

1. Everything takes three times as long as it is supposed to, if you're lucky, otherwise it will take ten times longer. Always think it will be the 'worst case scenario' rather than the 'best'. If it comes any earlier enjoy the moment.
2. Don't let anyone try to talk you into a different timeline, for example, we submitted paperwork in May and got our referral. Many of my friends continually said to me, "He'll be home by Christmas he just has to be!" If I had ever let myself believe he would be home by Christmas I would have needed to check myself into the funny farm December 26(because my son was not even close to being home at Christmas). I know they're trying to help but don't let anyone convince you that you're child could possibly come home earlier. They don't know the process, you do.
3. This is my urgent situation, no one else's. Just because I need the document 'yesterday' doesn't mean that the bureaucrat behind the desk will understand the urgency of my request.
4. Expect the unexpected. Just understand this is you're road to you're child. It won't make any sense, it will be maddening, frustrating, and sometimes downright infuriating, that's how it is and you can't change it, find a way to deal with it.
5. It's not fair, it will never be fair, that doesn't mean it won't happen.

At times these helped me greatly, at times they only got me more mad but philosophy #1 played a critical part in helping me get through the endless waiting. Everything takes three times as long as it is supposed to, if you're lucky, otherwise it will take ten times longer. Always think it will be the 'worst case scenario' rather than the 'best'. If it comes any earlier enjoy the moment.

Finishing the paperwork:
As I gathered documents, obviously I looked forward the ending the paperwork phase, it took about three months for me to get my dossier together. I spoke with AGCI faithfully every Monday and sometimes during the week just to confirm that I was doing everything right. The day I sent off our completed dossier was one of the most incredible days. We did it! We passed the first test. We endured endless questions from social workers, being fingerprinted by the INS, physical exams and background checks at our local police station. We were in, how hard could the rest be? Why did I ask myself that question?

Expect the unexpected:
Originally we were told we only had to go to Bulgaria to pick our son up, that was one of the reasons we chose the country, only one trip, I didn't think I could handle visiting our son and then leaving him behind, let alone the added expense of an extra trip to Bulgaria. Expect the unexpected. Then we got the call, Bulgaria has tightened its rules, not only do you need to go to Bulgaria to see your son; you need to go in two weeks. Expect the unexpected. Okay, that was a hard one, we had to come up with the money, I had to tell my boss I needed a week off in two or three weeks (I ended up quitting), (oh did I mention my husband had had a herniated disk in his back since April and the doctor just told us he needed surgery) and we were going to see our child and we had to leave him there. It's not fair, it never will be fair, it doesn't mean it's not going to happen.

We were off. We went to see our little guy, he was terrified of us, didn't understand why these two people were hanging all over him, he didn't like it one bit. We left him on the second day with me in tears in the van after saying goodbye. Leaving that day was bad but not as bad as I had thought. The next day as our plane was taking off that's when I really lost it. I looked at the mountain range in the distance and promised our son we would be back as soon as we could to bring him HOME. But leaving the ground that day, leaving our little boy in a country 7000 miles from our home was brutal, it wasn't fair, it never would be fair but it didn't mean it wasn't going to happen. Our wait, our powerlessness, our 'character building experience' was headed into a new realm of difficulty.

Everything takes three times as long as it is supposed to, if you're lucky, otherwise it will take ten times longer. Always think it will be the 'worst case scenario' rather than the 'best'. If it comes any earlier enjoy the moment.

Actually the next thing that happened was a 'enjoy the moment' moment. We got a call; our dossier passed through the first phase in 8 days, normally it took 8 weeks. WOW!!! Could he be home by Christmas? Don't even think that way, don't even. And I was right, because as quickly as our paperwork went through phase one, was as slowly as it went through phase two. By mid November we were still waiting to hear if we passed through phase two and hoping it would reach a Bulgarian court room before the courts took their extremely long Christmas break (Oh, an addendum to the philosophies above, kind of a footnote, most countries take a lot more vacation than we do and they always take it at the critical part of your paperwork phase!).

Finally we heard about our court date, December 10, 2001. Enough time if we had an on the ball judge to get it through the courts before Christmas? Don't even think about it, don't even. Our court date arrived and my entire family was on pins and needles. We had heard about an extremely picky prosecutor who didn't believe in adopting Bulgarian children to international families. Please don't let us get him. Philosophies 4 & 5 apply here. Expect the unexpected. Just understand that is you're road to you're child. It won't make any sense, it will be maddening, frustrating, and sometimes downright infuriating and that's how it is. You can't change it, find a way to deal with it. And, It's not fair, it will never be fair, that doesn't mean it won't happen. Of course we got the picky prosecutor and he found a way to muck it up and wanted to reschedule the court date for FEBRUARY!!! That would have put our son's homecoming sometime in May or June of 2002. Luckily an angel stepped in, our attorney argued she would have the appropriate paperwork in one week, not three months, one week. Our new court date was a week later, December 17, 2001. That night was a dark one for me. My husband couldn't cheer me up, I was mad, I was frustrated, why did I have to go through this??!! Why did our son have to go through this??!! Not one of my adoption philosophies helped me that night.

Because of my son's privacy I can't go into what happened over the next few days but suffice it to say that if I ever had any doubts about our son and whether or not he was supposed to be with us, they were erased that week. Complete and total strangers moved mountains on our behalf; it restored my faith, it restored my spirit, and it restored my belief that we would some day have our son in our home where he belonged. December 17, 2001 a judge decreed Carter Andrew Kolpek to be our son, it was legal. And of course we had to wait another 3 months to pick him up!

This is where things got really hard. Okay this is where things got excruciating. In January my friends gave me a shower, I painted Carter's room, I started buying little clothes, and I still didn't know when my son would come home. It was about this time that every single person I knew continually asked me questions or better yet make statements about how they would handle it, when is he coming home? Why does it take so long? I could never wait like that. If it were me, I'd just go over there and get him. The last one was my favorite, all I could think of was "and you'd be breaking about 50 international laws in the process" or "how would you get him out of the country?"

This time was hard on our extended family as well, they didn't know the process and they too were waiting. My mom did 'retail therapy', every time she was stressed she or worried about him or couldn't handle the wait she went to TJ Maxx and bought a ridiculous amount of clothing. I must say the only beneficial part of the wait is that my son is very well dressed!

Finally, everything was in order, we got our travel date, we would leave on March 18, and be home on March 29, 2002. Nine full months after we had visited him the first time. Extreme expecting! What unfolded next is well detailed in 'Carter's Chronicles,' a prolonged essay I wrote about our trip to pick up our son. I have shared it with you all and I can't wait to share it with Carter some day.

As I look back on the wait I guess it's how women look back on childbirth itself. It's horrible as you go through it, the pain is awful, and while you're going through it you think 'I'm never doing this again, how did I get myself here?' But now, months later, I hardly feel the pain. I don't remember when my son wasn't here. It's hard to picture my house without toys ALL OVER THE PLACE, or a time when my husband and I could just go out to dinner without planning a space shuttle mission. The wait is awful but the pay off is amazing. Extreme expecting. I wouldn't trade it for the world.