Forgiveness Isn’t the Same as Avoidance: Healing Attachment Wounds Through Faith

At All God’s Children International (AGCI), we believe healing begins with relationships. But what happens when the very relationships meant to teach us safety instead teach us distance? When early attachment wounds—encourage us to bury pain rather than face it, even our understanding of forgiveness can become distorted. Too often, what we call forgiveness is actually avoidance—an unconscious strategy to bypass the vulnerability true healing requires.

Dismissive attachment, a style rooted in early emotional neglect or invalidation, often leads people to minimize their own needs and emotions. It teaches that closeness is risky and that independence is safer than intimacy. In spiritual life, this can look like a faith that is more intellectual than embodied—where forgiveness is preached, but grief is silenced; where letting go replaces lament.

As Dr. Curt Thompson writes, “We are not thinking beings who feel; we are feeling beings who think.” In other words, spiritual and emotional healing must engage our whole selves—not just our theology, but our nervous systems, our memories, and our stories. True forgiveness cannot happen in a vacuum of denial. It must flow from secure attachment—first with others, then with God.

What Forgiveness Is—and Isn’t

Scripture calls us to forgive, but it never asks us to pretend. Jesus, in His deep humanity, wept, grieved, and expressed pain. Forgiveness, in His example, is never dismissive; it’s costly, embodied, and full of truth. As Colossians 3:13 reminds us:
"Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you."

The command is clear, but so is the model. Jesus’ forgiveness did not ignore pain—it absorbed it. Likewise, healing from trauma requires us to acknowledge what happened, not rush past it.

Dr. Caroline Leaf, a Christian neuroscientist, writes, “You cannot heal what you don’t acknowledge. Suppressed trauma isn’t neutral—it builds over time and influences how we think, feel, and relate.” Many with dismissive attachment bypass healing by avoiding conflict and suppressing emotion. In doing so, they may call it forgiveness, but what they’re practicing is self-protection. This isn’t a moral failure—it’s a learned survival skill. But survival is not the same as healing.

God Is Not Dismissive

In our trauma-informed work at AGCI, we often remind caregivers and leaders: God is not like the humans who hurt us. He is not distant or emotionally withholding. Psalm 34:18 says, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” The closeness of God contrasts sharply with the avoidance strategies of dismissive attachment. He draws near. He lingers in pain. He invites us not to minimize our stories, but to bring them fully into the light.

We are called to offer that same kind of presence to children and families around the world. Our model of care is built on equipping adults to recognize and heal their own attachment wounds so they can show up differently for the children in their lives. When a caregiver understands that forgiveness isn’t a shortcut but a slow, relational journey, they stop bypassing pain and start walking through it with others.

Healing Through Relationship

At AGCI, we believe forgiveness and secure attachment go hand in hand. A person with dismissive tendencies needs safe, attuned relationships that patiently invite them to open up. Healing is not about forcing vulnerability, but about offering consistent, trustworthy presence that makes vulnerability possible.

Dr. Thompson emphasizes, “To be known is to be loved, and to be loved is to be known.” Forgiveness that flows from this kind of knowing is not detached—it’s intimate. It looks like confession, connection, and compassion.

For those healing from dismissive attachment, the invitation is this: let God into the parts of your story you’ve learned to silence. Let others offer the kind of steady presence that teaches your nervous system you are safe. And when you forgive, do it not as an escape, but as a response to having been fully seen.