The Slow Work of Safety: Why Regulation Comes Before Connection
At the Trauma Disruptor Coalition, we often say that connection heals, but that connection cannot be forced—it must be felt. For many of us, especially those shaped by trauma, that feeling of safety doesn’t come naturally. We long for closeness but tense when it arrives. We crave love but flinch when it asks us to trust. Healing begins when we learn that before we can connect, we must first learn to feel safe in our own skin.
Safety is the soil in which connection grows. And safety takes time.
When the Body Doesn’t Believe the Story
For survivors of trauma, the body often lives in contradiction with the mind. You may know you’re safe, yet your heart races when someone raises their voice. You may tell yourself 'I’m okay,' but your stomach knots in a familiar dread. This is not weakness. It’s wiring.
Dr. Stephen Porges’ Polyvagal Theory helps us understand why. The autonomic nervous system—responsible for survival—has two main settings: defense and connection. When we’ve lived too long in fight, flight, or freeze, our bodies struggle to trust moments of calm. Regulation, then, becomes an act of re-learning what safety feels like.
This is the slow work of healing: retraining the body to believe the truth the mind already knows.
Jesus Modeled Regulation Before Connection
Throughout the Gospels, Jesus embodies calm presence amid chaos. When the storm raged, He slept (Mark 4:38). When crowds pressed in, He withdrew to pray (Luke 5:16). When others demanded urgency, He responded with peace. His rhythm of rest and response, solitude and service, shows us what spiritual regulation looks like—anchoring in the presence of the Father before re-entering relationship with the world.
Dallas Willard once said, 'Hurry is the great enemy of spiritual life in our day.' In trauma recovery, hurry is also the great enemy of safety. We cannot rush what the body needs to relearn. Sometimes, the holiest thing we can do is slow down enough to breathe.
Regulation Is a Spiritual Discipline
For those who have spent years surviving, regulation may feel foreign. Sitting still might feel threatening. Silence might feel unsafe. But just as prayer, fasting, or service are disciplines of faith, so is learning to calm the body that God created.
Breathwork, grounding exercises, gentle movement—these are not secular substitutes for spirituality. They are ways of embodying the peace God promises. 'Be still, and know that I am God,' the psalmist writes (Psalm 46:10). Stillness is not passivity—it’s presence. It’s allowing our nervous systems to mirror the unhurried heartbeat of a God who is never in panic.
When we regulate, we align our bodies with divine truth: We are safe. We are seen. We are not alone.
From Reactivity to Response
In trauma, the body learns to react. In healing, we learn to respond. That shift—from automatic defense to intentional choice—is the difference between surviving and living.
Imagine a parent who grew up in chaos. Their child spills milk and their pulse spikes instantly. But this time, instead of yelling, they pause, take a breath, and remind themselves: I am safe. My child is safe. That single pause is sacred—it breaks a generational cycle. It is worship in action.
Romans 12:2 reminds us, 'Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.' But neuroscience now shows that transformation is not only cognitive—it’s embodied. When we practice new patterns of calm and compassion, we literally renew our neural pathways. The brain learns safety. The spirit learns trust.
Safety Before Connection, Always
If connection is the fruit of healing, regulation is the root. When we skip that step—when we try to love, parent, lead, or serve from dysregulation—we unintentionally recreate the very harm we’re trying to heal. But when we regulate, we invite others into safety with us. Our calm becomes contagious.
As trauma therapist Aundi Kolber writes, 'We can only co-regulate with others to the extent that we are regulated ourselves.' In other words: we cannot give what we do not have.
The way of Jesus—grounded, gentle, present—is the invitation to build lives that move from chaos to calm, from reaction to relationship. That is the slow, holy work of safety.
Reflection Practices
Pause Practice: Set a timer three times a day. When it chimes, pause and take three slow breaths. Notice your body. Where do you feel tense? What softens as you breathe?
Stillness Prayer: Spend five minutes in silence repeating the words, 'Be still, and know.'
Body Awareness: When you feel triggered, try placing a hand over your heart or on your chest. Whisper, 'I’m safe. God is with me.'
Journal Prompt: Where do you feel hurried or unsafe in your relationships? What would it look like to create more internal safety before reconnecting?
Healing is not a sprint—it’s a slow walk back toward peace. And every time you choose to regulate instead of react, heaven rejoices. Because that is the sound of freedom taking root—in your body, your family, and the generations that follow.
References
Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-Regulation. W. W. Norton & Company.
Willard, D. (1998). The Spirit of the Disciplines. HarperCollins.
Kolber, A. (2020). Try Softer: A Fresh Approach to Move Us Out of Anxiety, Stress, and Survival Mode—and into a Life of Connection and Joy. Tyndale Momentu